I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm sobbing to NWA
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
