oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize