and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
