If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize