If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
