how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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