He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
