Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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