umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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