this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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