so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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