God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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