Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
