I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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