Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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