i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
