I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
MIDGETS
????
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
