I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
