we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
As shirtless as possible
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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