i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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