Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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