capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
