I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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