I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
