did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
