I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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