Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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