I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
