Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
