Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
