Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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