i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
