I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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