I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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