Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
