I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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