I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
