dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
