There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
