there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
