so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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