Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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