you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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