I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
