Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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