I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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