Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We are all done wearing pants today
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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