How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
