booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
