Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
