I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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