There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
