dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
