chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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