wakey wakey hands off snakey
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
