i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
