i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
