he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
