happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
