Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
