I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
