Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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