found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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