Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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