I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
