you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
